To belong, to be known, to be safe, asking yourself these three questions can help us to determine the quality of our relationships and lead us to feeling more love and peace in our lives. Answering yes to these questions lead to feelings of love and attachment, creating a foundation for healthy relationships.
In the 28 years of being a therapist this is the undercurrent of why almost every person walks into a therapists office. We all want to feel loved.
Ask yourself, can I say yes to each of these three questions?
Do I feel safe? This is not the kind of safety that happens in absence of a natural disaster, this is the kind of safety you get from a lack of tension in your body. Am I walking around tight and clenched? Is my body relaxed? Is my breathing deep and full? Is my brow relaxed? Am I walking on eggshells?
Do I belong? Do I feel like my people have my back? Do I feel like they are in my corner and will stand up for me or support me when it is really needed? Do I have a soft place to land when I do not feel I am my best self?
Do I feel known? Not as the one who brings home the money, that pays the bills or the one that does the grocery shopping and cooks dinner, but do the people I love know my true nature? Do they want to know more of who I am? Do people know me outside the expectations and responsibilities that go along with the hats that I wear throughout the day? Do they care to know how I feel?
Do I feel loved? If we can say yes to the first three most of the time, we may rest with a sigh that we are loved. The first three however, can shift naturally from day to day as we walk through life. One moment we feel safe, the next we find ourselves feeling defensive. We can feel validated and valued and then feel invisible. How do we anchor? How can we answer a loud YES to these four questions more often and more confidently?
In the next few articles I will be examining each of these cornerstones and the actions and behaviors that can help us move towards affirming ourselves and our relationships and feeling the peace that comes with feelings of love.